Before you make up your mind about me being a terrible mother, please take a look at what I have to say about this subject. I promise I'm not failing as a mom that bad.

Zaylen's first birthday is right around the corner. I have been thinking of this day since before he was even born and I have been planning this day for the last few months. Turning one is a big deal!! Maybe not to Zaylen, but to me it certainly is. This precious little gift who I was blessed with to nourish and grow inside of me for ten months, and who I have helped along side each small milestone since he was born, is about to celebrate his first year of life. This is a big deal!!

I had a venue chosen, I had told several people, the food was arranged and picked out, the invite list was set, and I was beginning to start testing out different gluten free vegan cakes. I had the perfect outfit in mind, we had to find a "I'm turning one" bib, I needed to get stamps, and I had decided to not bring ice cream.

Everything was done. Everything was planned. So why did I cancel it?

Here's a little peak inside of my mind for the past few months...

Stress, stress, stress...

Right before Christmas is when I began planning little one's party. I was thinking of themes, venues, food. With the amount of guests that would be invited (around 40) we weren't able to have it at our house because of size. And let me go on record, 40 is way too much for us, but there's no such thing as having a low key anything with my family. After some thought, I figured we could have the party at my grandparents house or pick out a public venue in Greensboro. After looking around for a while I came across a great deal. There is an indoor bounce house place in town that had such a great deal for an awesome price. They set up, cleaned up, offered food and drinks, supplied invitations and decorations, we had a private room for two hours, and then we were allowed to stay and jump until they closed. All this was just above $200. It is a great deal! So I talked with some friends and my sister about how they handled birthday parties. After finding out the money they spent and hearing they weren't able to spend time with their children because they were focused on entertaining everyone else, I decided this jump place was perfect for us.

Zachary and I went to the place a few days after our decision and booked the date and time. They needed a deposit to hold our spot, but we went ahead and paid the full price since we had the money and knew this is what we wanted.

Some of the stress went away for a few days after we booked the party, but more began to develop as I had to plan for other things. I wanted to tackle food first. The place was supplying two pizzas and a few drinks. I was upset about the pizza. It may not make sense, but I lost sleep over it. I'm a vegan, I don't support anything that has stemmed from animal torture. And I just paid for pizza with cheese. That really bothered me. I tried to brush it off as best as I could, but it took a good toll on me. I had to bring more food in because those two pizzas wouldn't make lunch for 40 people. I planned on a vegetable tray, fruit tray, hummus, and a Mexican dip. I wanted more pizza, but I wasn't paying for cheese or meat. I personally love pizza with just sauce and veggies and wouldn't have had a problem buying those. But I knew I would hear feedback.

It's always the same questions. "What do you eat?" "What can you eat?" And they are always followed with judgmental looks and talk about how I think I'm better than you. I think that's when some people's conscience starts talking, but they choose to be ignorant and spread hate to someone who is a bit more compassionate than them. But that's just me.

I was starting to get anxiety pretty bad, however, I knew I had to keep on pushing through.

How was I going to do a cake? I couldn't spend the money it would take to buy two gluten free vegan cakes. They use less ingredients and it's a much healthier option, yet they are expensive. I had to bake them myself. I love baking breads and cookies, but cake is not on my top ten favorite list. I would have to do at least one trial run. The type of cake Zaylen would have and what the guests would have circled my mind for weeks. I couldn't decide what flavor, then I had to look into natural dyes, I wasn't sure about candles, and it was becoming a real mess. More anxiety, please?

Next was the presents. My husband and I had decided not to allow presents. Zaylen is loved inside and out and he has been blessed beyond anything we could imagine. He has an entire room filled with toys and this doesn't even count the toy baskets set up around the house or the kitchen drawers. He still has toys from Christmas that are in his closet, unopened and untouched. I have made a few donations this year, but you wouldn't be able to notice with all the stuff he has. All of his cousin's clothes get handed down to him. One wall of his closet is filled with boxes full of clothes up to 24 months. Zaylen doesn't need anything. Help with his laundry and baths or his grocery bill would be nice, how do I explain that?

We planned on asking for canned food donations instead of gifts. Zaylen is warm, he has shelter, and he eats more than most adults do. He is set. But there are countless people in our area alone who never know where their next meal will come from. We just wanted to help others who are less fortunate than us. I didn't know how people would take that. If that response is anything like the treatment we have dealt with over the past year, then I don't want it. It just brought on more anxiety.

The list of invites was growing and growing. We originally wanted a small gathering of close family and friends, but as I mentioned earlier, that's impossible to do with my family alone. The list went from 25 to 40 fast and it was still growing. Even though I wanted to invite some people, I just couldn't due to the size already. People would ask about his party, when and where it was. Of course then I felt obligated to tell them the details and invite them. It was getting to be a bit much.

My mind has been in a war since day one of this party planning. I have lost sleep, I have been angry, I have felt confused, and I felt judged and criticized before the invitations even went out. A few days ago I knew this wasn't right. All gatherings as such require a little stress, but the amount of stress I was under wasn't right. I should be unbelievably happy and excited about my precious baby turning one. I shouldn't be weighed down and anxious.

This is when our decision happened. I came to my husband crying and upset and asked him, "Would it make me a bad mother if I didn't give Zaylen a first birthday party?" His response is just one of the million reasons why I adore him. He comforted me and let me know that it was the best thing. This was going to be a good choice and he would defend our decision to anyone who dared questioning it.

We got on the phone with a few people to let them know, and to ask if they would spread the word around so we wouldn't have to deal with everyone. Most of them were very understanding, and the others who weren't don't really matter that much in my book anyways.

This was a difficult choice to make, but once it was made I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I went from a crying depressed mess to a smiling happy woman in a matter of minutes. This is when I had complete confirmation we were doing the right thing.



Some people weren't going to like bringing canned food they were never going to eat over a $40 gift they would never see a return on. Others would be judge-y about my decision to have all vegan food since I'm apparently "so much better than them." Some would question the venue. I know what germs are and I know how they are spread, and that's why my one year old has only been sick once in his life. Look at your kids. I didn't want to deal with the people. That was a reason why we canceled, among several other things. You're probably saying, "But Cursty, you shouldn't let people's opinions affect your son's birthday party?" I'm not. We canceled it and I'm sure people have a lot more to say now. And to be honest, I could care less what they have to say. I am standing firm in our decision.

The stress was too much. Zachary and I are making a conscious effort to reduce the stress in our lives. We are decluttering and simplifying every aspect of our life together. A party would be nice, but cheese and opinions aren't worth it to me. The stress and anxiety factors are another big piece of why we canceled it. This is a prime example of why we are on this Amish journey. The life we were living was too much. Too much stimulation, stress, worries, pain, unhappiness, money, you name it. I got so consumed in planning a party for my one year old, that I didn't see the big picture. Zachary and I made this tiny baby. We brought him into this world. We have been beside him for his first bite of food, first crawl, and first melt down. We have had the privilege of learning from him. We have had the honor of raising him. This is a celebration! On his birthday we will celebrate his life. We will watch him, feed him, love him, show him new things, and soak in the moment when we will realize we have a toddler now. I won't worry over the amount of food or get stuck in conversation while Zaylen digs into his cake. I will not miss any beat of this special day.

Instead of a party, Zachary, Zaylen and I will be spending a great day together creating more memories than any party could dream of making. We will be saving our sanity, money, and time.

It may not be for everyone, but this is what we want. We aren't seeking approval from anyone. We simply ask that you will respect our decision.

"The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them." I love our decision.


Cursty