I apologize for being absent the past two weeks. Mercury in retrograde, a teething baby who is on strike against any form of napping, anxiety from too much in my head, and a spell of depression have made the past few weeks really difficult. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone, I've gotten way too upset over things, and my mind really has not been working at it's full potential.

This past week especially, I have felt like such a failure as a wife and mother. I haven't had energy to wake up, fix breakfast, and send my husband off to work. I have gone to bed early, and still not slept good throughout the night. I haven't felt like playing with my son. I even ordered take out one night because I couldn't stand being in the kitchen. Oh, and yesterday I picked up three dozen doughnut holes and ate every single one. Coffee has been my closest friend. The dishes and laundry have been my enemies.

Just one of those weeks.

When I go through tough weeks like that I always hit a low point. I think the doughnuts were the low point this time.

And I need those low points. If it weren't for them, I would stay stuck in ruts like this for who knows how long.

As soon as these low points hit, I realize I need one thing...grace.




The amount of grace God covers us with is still unfathomable to me. I don't understand it. I don't know why. I don't know how. But I am thankful for it. There has been a particular verse that has been running through my mind almost constantly lately, this morning I was reminded of it again.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Wow. God's grace is enough for me. It's all I need. It should be all that I desire. He pours out a heavy stream of perfect grace on us all the time. No matter what we've done, no matter how we act, or what we do or say. His grace is constant and pure.

When I read this verse, I imagine God wanting us to share our weaknesses with others. I think this is His way of revealing Himself to people. I love a good story filled with mercy and grace. The ones where your arms get chill bumps, your heart beats out of your chest, and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it was a God thing. So I'm going to share my weakness with you so that you will know I am not a perfect a person. I am a weak and vulnerable person who fails every day, but I am able to push through because I serve a God who's grace reaches deeper than any mistake I could make.

Some days it is impossible for me to get out of bed. When those rounds of depression hit, they hit hard. The devils most powerful weapon against us is our own mind, and it's hard for me to fight that off. It's really difficult for me. My mind starts worrying, wandering, thinking I'm not good enough. I rethink my marriage. I rethink motherhood. I think about the "what ifs." I doubt how clean the house is or how good the dinner is. I doubt my ability to please my husband and my son. I question every relationship. I question every thing. I don't want to go outside of the house. I don't want to pay bills or talk on the phone with a company. I don't want to do basic chores. I don't want to hear anything, see anything/anyone, or talk to anyone. I still deal with postpartum too. It's something I have to fight off everyday. I have shared my breastfeeding journey before, but in case you missed it, to make a long story short, I could not push through and breastfeed my son. This may not be a big deal to some people, but it's huge to me. I was prepared to breastfeed, I wasn't prepared to not breastfeed. Throw that in with an emergency c-section and not enough time for my hormones to know what's going on...I have a mess. A huge mess in my mind daily. A mess that I can't deal with or sort out yet. But enough of the self talk, I just wanted to open up and let you in on what it feels like for me.
Depression has had control on my life for years and years. Although it has gotten better with more time in between sessions, it's still a reality I deal with occasionally. Please don't get me wrong, I still take care of my family 100%, I promise that, but I am no where close to what I normal am for them. Everyone is fed and clothed and all their needs are met.

This is where grace steps in. Last night when I was eating doughnuts and preparing a dinner I didn't want to cook, my heart got a shaking. I was covered in grace before I was even thought about being conceived. Take a minute to think about that. Grace gave me the option of salvation. Grace gives me the ability to seek forgiveness when I fall short. Grace carries me and sustains me through each and every day. When I was thinking about the amount of grace God covers me in, the depression flew away!! It instantly fled away from my mind! This may sound a bit crazy, but in the middle of cooking I completely changed the dinner plan. I had originally pulled out some stuff from the fridge and cabinets and just put everything in pots to cook. After a few nights of meals like that, a night of take out, and all week eating without my husband, I decided I needed to serve him. I mean, serve my man. That's why I stay at home, right?

So this is what we had instead...

With God's grace I was able to turn an almost miserable evening into an amazing inside date night for Zachary and I. We enjoyed a great meal together and had a long talk about our next project...The Boobers Go Amish. Just wait for it.

The baby stopped crying like he had been for two weeks straight and he even went to bed a little early. I was able to enjoy a relaxing bath to gather my thoughts and get my mind right. I started a new book I have been dying to read. And even though I didn't sleep well due to the insane amount of wind we had last night, I woke up feeling better and I have had a hold on the entire day so far. All because of grace.

To me, grace meets us where ever we are and picks us up. It sets us on our feet again. It gives us a straight path to walk and holds our hand until we can walk alone again. Grace never goes back to where it found us. That place is gone. Grace keeps us focused on what's ahead.

Something snapped in me last night (as it usually does during those low points) and it made me see that grace is always there, I just have to accept it. I have to ask God to forgive me for everything I've done that displeases Him and then just step out and soak in that constant flowing stream of unconditional grace.

I need grace in order to make it through the day. I have to have forgiveness and love. I have to have support and an anchor. God supplies me with all of that. I love that I received His free gift just by asking. I am the least deserving person of all that He offers, but yet He loves me that much...


xoxo
Cursty